Wayne's World

Good morning! It’s another Saturday at Disability Physicals, and so far I’ve had to field two calls from people asking for directions. Now, my wife will tell you I’m one of the most directionly-challenged people you’ll meet, but I think I did an ok job. We’ll try and keep things light hearted this AM, as I don’t really feel like tackling a heavy topic at 7:56 in the morning. Oh, my schedule in June is really picking up (apparently social security realized that I wanted to work other days besides Saturdays), so expect more blog entries throughout the week next month.

There are a couple of things that I’ve realized after doing this type of job for almost a year. 1.) People tend to think that any aliment that causes pain or a change in lifestyle is a disabling condition, and 2.) almost every male who applies for disability has the middle name of Wayne. Let’s talk about the Waynes first. My first day at the new office, every male patient had Wayne in their name. I swear, it was like Gary Wayne xxx, then Charles Wayne xxx, followed by Dwayne Wayne (yep, that’s real) xxx. I don’t know if there’s a link between the name and the potential for applying for disability – maybe there’s an abundance of people who perform manual labor with the middle name Wayne – but without fail I will at least see one [first name] Wayne [last name] every time I step into the office. Gary Wayne by itself seems to be a popular combination for disability claimants. There’s a “note to self” to all you future parents out there, if you want your child to eventually apply for disability, name them Gary Wayne. Or Dwayne Wayne, because that’s just awesome. Finally, if your last name is Wayneson, please, please name them Dwayne Wayne Wayneson. Not only will they probably apply for disability, but they’ll either get beat up at school, or end up being a professional bull rider, who will probably, one day, need disability anyway.

As for the first topic, well…if you’ve been reading this blog for any amount of time, you’ve seen some strange reasons why people think they need disability. I still think my personal favorite is “my left breast hurts after I eat hamburger.” It’s been a while since we’ve done a complaint list, so here you go. Merry Christmas.

1.) My hands hurt after I sit on them
2.) I got depression after my mouse died
3.) I died three times
4.) I have cancer (when questioned, the patient couldn’t tell me what organ the cancer affected, just that she had it)
5.) My wife hits me
6.) I only got to the 11th grade
7.) I can’t read or write at all (this was in the patient’s handwriting)
8.) I get angry when people yell at me
9.) My feet hurt after standing on them for 10 hours
10.) My knees hurt after I gained 100 lbs
The question is, dear readers, will any of these people actually receive disability? Only time will tell. I for one think that the person who can’t write anything, with the exception of their disability statement, of course, should at least get a little something…I mean, that’s legit, right?

Have a good weekend!
-DD