Chomp Remix

Well, it's the first real post of the New Year. First of all, I'd like to say "thank you" to all of those who have contributed to the site - it's been awesome to see that ticker number climbing, and to see the poll numbers go up as well. I've tried to keep the posts a good mixture of comedy and commentary, and if there's anything that you would like me to talk about, please let me know! I said in one of the first posts that one of my goals for this blog was to provide an insight into the medical profession as a whole, and the introspection that has occurred while writing these entries has let me think even harder about the type of physician I am, so thanks for that as well.  I think that there's a lot of stuff to talk about in the healthcare arena these days, so expect some commentary about those topics in the upcoming weeks. All right, on to the blog!

It was a nice drive to the Juvie this AM. The roads were, for the most part, clear after the winter mix of last week, and the parking lot was thankfully clear of huge ice patches. There is an apparent rhythm to the rate in which detainees are brought in - it peaks during the summer months, and then drops down exponentially during the months of December and January - apparently it's more important to stay warm than it is to steal cars. As you might expect however, the majority of the kids that are brought in are "domestic offenders," or kids that get cabin fever and decide to do stupid things like "drink a half-gallon of vodka and play with knives." If you ask the majority of the kids whether they think such behavior is smart, they'll say "no, not really," and after a short stay, many of them go home, never to return to the Juvie again. It's interesting to me, however, that many of these domestic disputes involve biting, and often, it's not only the detainee that's guilty of the oral assault.

The last patient to present to the clinic this AM was a 5'7," 250 lbs Native American kid who was complaining of left arm pain. When asked about the source of his pain, he slowly turned his forearm over, and displayed one of the most perfect total mouth impressions I have ever seen. Both the nurse and I were impressed by the quality of the bite, and when asked who had bit him, he responded "my mom, of course." Of course? I mean, I know that I had a very sheltered childhood compared to most of these kids, but if someone asked me "Hey, who do you think bit that kid?" my first response would probably not have been "why, his mother, of course." Anyway, we asked why she bit him, and he responded "because I bit her..but I didn't draw blood." I guess that makes it ok? After a little more questioning, he divulged that his mother had bitten him a second time, this time on his back, right where the shoulder blade meets the back of the armpit. I didn't know what to say. The bite on the arm I can at least anatomically understand - maybe he was trying to hit her mouth with his forearm...but the shoulder blade? That's a sneaky bite, you know? You're not going to see that one coming. To make things worse, the bite on his back had started to show signs of infection, which warranted antibiotic treatment. I've said it before, but I'll say it again - I'm not here to judge parenting tactics...but I think this is an extreme example of "take a bite out of crime." He later admitted that lots of alcohol had been involved, and as he was walking out of the clinic, stated, "did you know that men with big beer-bellies are less likely to die in a head-on collision? That's a good reason to drink, right there." I almost said that men with big beer-bellies are less likely to see their penis on any given day, but instead said "That's the spirit, you'll be fine."

And now for the Juvie quote(s) of the day:

Nurse: "Are you ill or injured?"
Detainee: "I was cold last night, so I put on a blanket on me. Then I got warm."
Nurse: "Good for you, blankets do make people warm!  So are you ill or injured?"
Detainee: "I don't know, am I feeling ok?"
Nurse: "Um...you have to tell me..."
Detainee: "Oh..."

Don't bite your kids too hard,
-DD