A list of maladies

It's been a busy week at Disability Physicals - almost no no-shows, and people amazing keeping their appointments have really caused my work load to pick up.  In lieu of writing a large diatribe about individual people, I've elected tonight to compile a list of the myriad "illnesses" people have used as their source for disability.  I'll try and do this once-a-month or so, providing there are enough unique entries.  When possible, I've tried to put the maladies in the claimant's own words.  That said, let the listing commence!

1.) "I have to sleep on my back to sleep."
2.) "I have to sleep on my side to sleep."  (I'm hoping that someone will "have" to sleep on their stomach to sleep..but that might be too much to ask for).
3.) Photophobia
4.) "Cryptics in my shoulders" (When asked further about "cryptics," the pt couldn't say more...just that they were there).
5.) "I keep having picnic attacks."  (I think she meant panic...but who knows, maybe she's afraid of bears?)
6.) Poor self esteem
7.) "I died three times, but I came back."
8.) "My head is constantly there."
9.) "I get annoyed with annoying people."
10.) "When I get angry at my boss, I get fired."
11.)  "I've got maniacal depression."  (I think she meant manic depression...but maybe she's a maniac, maniac, too)
12.) "I keep seeing shadows in my permhairyal vision"  (Once again, I think she meant peripheral).
13.) "When I get mad, I turn into Heckle and Jive"  (Not Heckle and Jive!!!)

Whew, that's a pretty inclusive list of diseases...I think they need to teach a couple classes in med school on Picnic attacks and the dangers of Permhairyal vision, if not write a new chapter in Harrison's Internal Medicine. 

And now, for the disability quotes of the day:

Me:  "So does anything make your pelvic pain better?"
Elderly woman:  "Well, my husband bought me this vibrating thing, and if I sit on it for a while, it makes all my pain go away."

Me:  "Do you hear or see things other people don't?"
Man:  "Not really, but my spirit guides often try and help me solve mysteries."
Me:  "Do you succeed?"
Man:  "I'm no Matlock, but we do pretty well."

Be wary of Heckle and Jive,
-DD