Heart Breaker

Well, it’s another Thursday morning. That means Yoga at 5:30 AM, then disability physicals…and since it is finals week at the medical school, I have to adjudicate a clinical skills practical at 1:00. All in all, not too shabby, although the first patient of the morning decided to no-show, how nice of them. Anyway, if you’re wondering why my last post was sometime last week, it’s because I’ve been trying to write while I’m at work, and since my schedule is all over the place, well you get the picture. On to the blog!

Saturday was a day of depression claimants. Every stinkin’ one of them came in stating “I feel down, I can’t work,” or “I’m just sad, so I can’t work,” or “My girl left me for a girl, now I can’t work.” Seriously, that last statement came from a guy whose father left an angry message on the office machine at 7:30 stating “Where you all at, my son’s appointment is at 9:00, why ain’t nobody in the office?” While I understand the need for the business to open before the first patient of the day, I honestly can’t see any office opening an hour-and-a-half before the first patient, let alone on a Saturday. Anyway, once 9:00 rolled around, the door flew open, dude and his father walked in.

The claimant was 45, dressed in a t-shirt and jean shorts, his (mid 60’s appearing) father was dressed in a partially open Tommy Bahama shirt, short, short khaki shorts, and bright blue flip-flops (or thongs, as some people call them). I ushered them into my office - the claimant slumped to the corner chair, and the father walked towards my desk, pulled out the chair in front of me, spun it around, and straddled it…which as you can imagine, was not what I wanted to see first thing Saturday morning (did I mention that the shorts were short?). Anyway, the dad did most of the talking – the son couldn’t work because his girlfriend of “a really long time – six months, left him for another woman.” Apparently the g/f decided that she would rather be a lesbian than be with the claimant, and this had insulted his masculinity to such an extent that according to the father, he just “sits on the couch, cries all the time, and watches the history channel.” When further questioned, the claimant admitted that he couldn’t do any household chores or help with activities because “my girl used to do all of that, and trying to do it reminds me too much of her.” I asked him if there was any physical reason why he couldn’t perform those tasks, and he replied “no, but the memories of our love are just too painful to allow me to do those things.” How touching. Who knew that disability patients could be so poetic? We proceeded to the physical exam, which was normal, as you might expect.

As they left, the father said to me, “Doc, you gotta help him. He’s just so lovesick, I don’t know what to do. Any advice on how to win the girl back?”
I shook my head, “The government doesn’t allow me to give medical advice at these appointments,” I replied.
“Then the government don’t understand love,” he mumbled as he walked out of the door. And that was that.

And now for the disability quote of the day:

Patient’s written response to the question “How does your condition limit your ability to work?”

“It doesn’t, but my friend got money this way, so I thought I would try too.”

Until later,
-DD